I thought when you marry someone, that person is supposed to be the one whom you love unconditionally, laugh together, and talk with from the bottom of your heart. The person who can read you without ever having to speak a word. That comfortable pair of shoes that you wear in your heart. The kind of relationship that you would see in a family TV show from the 1950s.

I was raised with old-fashioned values. I come from a family where my parents stayed together and always presented a united front, where they put family and kids first, where they would give you the shirt off their back, where we all sat around the dinner table at 6:30, and where divorce was something that happened in other families.

Until I was 31, I had been to so many weddings for friends, but never my own. I usually entered into long-term relationships that never ended up in marriage. I usually ended the relationships in large part due to disapproval from my family, as well as my ownreservations about having boyfriend that was not Jewish. Then I met David in D.C. at a lecture for Jewish singles. He was 36. He approached me because he said he remembered seeing me at a pick-up softball game where I was on my bicycle, and I happened to be with my boyfriend at the time. David said he remembered seeing us “ride off into the sunset”. Well that boyfriend was history, and I must admit to feeling flattered that David had such a detailed memory of first seeing me. We talked for a while that evening. And that’s when my relationship with David began.

David fit the “checklist” of what kind of person I should end up with. He was attentive, intelligent, enjoyed cultural events, Jewish, independent, nice looking, was good to his mother, and had a decent job. He was quiet, serious, and engaged well in conversation on a one-to-one basis. I used to see magazine covers in the checkout line at the grocery store. They always featured articles about couples who fell out of love, or relationships that weren’t working and the magazine supposedly had the answer for how the relationship could be saved. I remember thinking how that would never happen to David and me. While we were dating we constantly held hands, I had David’s full attention, and everything was wonderful. We played tennis together, we went to museums and the theatre together, and we traveled together. I just knew that we would never be one of those helpless couples I saw on the magazine covers. About two years after dating David, we were married.

As a Family Studies major in college, I was taught that the very things that attract you to someone in the first place, are usually the things that break you apart. I feel that was true in my case. Initially I was attracted to how seriousDavid was during conversations. He was also a man of few words. I equated that with him having a higher level of maturity and sophistication. Fast-forward and I can tell you that David was always serious and remained a man of few words. He rarely smiled. He was never animated. Even the obligatory ‘hello’ and ‘goodbye’ became absent from his vocabulary. I just wanted him to let loose for once!! David also complained a lot – and for some reason I first interpreted it as being great that he had opinions on things and was not afraid to speak up. But over time I just got tired of him being so negative. In addition, David was very protective. He even made sure the car doors were locked when he was pumping gas just outside of the vehicle I was in. Early on in the relationship I thought he was being such a gentleman to look out of me so closely. But over time his desire to protect began to show it’s true colors as pure “paranoia” in how he looked at the world. He was very private, and he had our non-junk mail delivered to a PO Box rather than our regular mailbox. He made sure we had a fake name used in the phone book so that on caller ID it would not have our real last name. His mother and father apparently did the same thing. At the beginning of our relationship I interpreted the traits of being serious, protective, and negatively outspoken in a positive light. I guess your mind can spin anything in any direction it chooses.

Personality-wise, David and I are very different people. I grew up having a lot of good friends. I enjoy being around people and opening up and sharing feelings. I like the support of other people when life’s challenges get in the way, and I like to know what’s going on in other people’s lives so that I can support them. I like to have dinner parties and socialize. So early in the marriage I would have dinner parties and invite my friends and their husbands over. But David just didn’t have the social skills. He was more comfortable in one-on-one conversations. People had to initiate conversations with him. He never started conversations nor asked others about how theywere doing. His blank expression never changed – you could never tell by looking at his face whether he was at a funeral or a circus, David talked only about superficial things – never about feelings. As the years went on, his sentences became one-word responses or just an occasional head nod. I had no idea what his thoughts and feelings were. “I am not a mind reader,” I would tell him. You can imagine how frustrating it was to be married to someone who rarely spoke or acknowledged my presence. People would often ask me if they had done something to offend David because he just didn’t show much in response to what other people were putting forth in their efforts to get to know him better. He had little expression and was not comfortable in most social situations. I used to make excuses about why he appeared so “absent” when he was around others. I quickly got tired of making excuses and eventually I decided to stop doing it. It was liberating for me to have this pressure lifted, because I truly had no acceptable rationale for his behavior. Over time I stopped having dinner parties with couples. Instead I would just go out with girlfriends in the evening and I would be happy to get out of the house and just vent to my friends about how unhappy I was with David. Thank G-d for my close girlfriends!!! Their support and strength – to this day – is beyond description.

I could tell early on we were just two very different people. As odd as it may sound, I cannot recall ever hearing the words “I love you” from him. Even Valentine’s Day he described as “just a holiday created by Hallmark to make money”. David was still a decent person but I knew I could not put up with living in such a bleak, almost depressing, environment for the rest of my life. We barely communicated. It drained me each time I would unsuccessfully try to break through his stoic exterior in an attempt to get to his emotions. He never opened up to me, and I felt that if I wanted to open up to him that he would not be interested. I knew very early into the marriage that I could not live this way.

For so many years I had been thinking about divorce. Whenever I would try to discuss it with David, he had nothing to say. He literally did not respond at all. Even his facial expression was blank. I was being ignored. So I would continue to speak and explain how there’s no way either of us could be happy given the relationship as it was. Still, I could not elicit a reaction from him. But I was looking for a reaction. Any reaction. Anything to show that he heard me. I wanted him to either agree with me or disagree with me but to just give me something. With coaxing, however, I eventually got him to agree to marriage counseling. At first he said I should go by myself. He said I was the one who needed to change. David told the therapist over the phone that if she had any questions, she could just email him. Finally David went with me to the therapist. In fact we ended up trying several different therapists. David was going there to help get “me” to change. I was going there with the hopes of developing an exit strategy for getting out of the marriage. Obviously David and I were not headed down the “happily ever after” path.

Being alone does not equate to loneliness. If I have time alone I truly enjoy it. But loneliness is another story. True loneliness for me came when I was in the house with David and I felt lonely. It was painful to think that he was the person I am supposed to call my best friend and my confidant, when in reality he was neither of these to me. He was just another person living in the house and I could noteven fathom opening myself up to him. Iwould hate it when my kids would have sleepovers at a friend’s house for the night, because that meant I would be home alone in the house with David. Any happily married couple would embrace those opportunities, but I dreaded them. And that is when I felt my loneliest.

I have to be totally honest – and I’ve subsequently heard this is a common thought – but I would secretly hope that David would not return home from work, or that maybe he was out cheating on me – because then I would have a concrete excuse to be out of the marriage. I did not have an ‘out’. I just made a bad choice in selecting a mate. We simply were not a good match.

Anyhow, two years after we were married, we had identical twin girls. They are beyond wonderful and amazing children and I could not be more proud. The issue is that they had to grow up in a household where they had two parents who did not demonstrate healthy communicate patterns. The house was always quiet. Rarely was the television turned on, and rarely was there music. It was just quiet. They grew up seeing two people who were never affectionate and really didn’t speak unless it was about something superficial to get us through the day. Unfortunately the girls grew up thinking this was the norm.

My kids are like their dad in so many ways. Both girls are quiet and extremely private. They do not express their feelings. As they were growing up, I always tried to get them to express themselves and I would certainly hug them – but they usually seemed to freeze and it was hard to get a hug from them in return. I think what took me over the edge and what made me know I could not put the divorce off any longer, came from my observations of them when I saw them interacting with their schoolmates. Specifically, I observed some of their friends trying to give them a hug the way kids hug each other. But in that moment, my kids froze up and did not hug back. I realized the extent to which they did not feel comfortable with showing affection and that broke my heart. I did not want the girls to duplicate my bad marriage. They should not continue to think that the house they were growing up in was a healthy environment. I had to take the next step toward a divorce. After 16 years of marriage, I told David things were officially over. I honestly do not recall any reaction from him. The conversation was just about the logistics of telling the girls, who were around 12 or 13 at the time.

One big reason I did not move forward with the divorce sooner was that I thought it would hurt my parents. I was willing to suck it up so that I would spare any hurt feelings that others may experience – my parents in particular – who were elderly and I did not want to upset them. I was even more concerned about their reaction than the reaction that my kids might have. I also was trying to figure out how I could possibly manage on my own financially. I had a career before kids and worked a little while the kids were in school, but for the most part I was a stay-at-home mom who liked to serve home cooked meals and be there to drive the kids to school and activities.

Before telling the girls – (we were waiting for the “optimal” time during the school year) – I told my parents. Telling my parents was the part I dreaded the most. They lived in the next state over, so I decided to call them with the news. Both my mom and dad got on the phone and they appeared to take they news well. Of course, I could not see their reaction, but they clearly were not surprised. I have no idea how they reacted after we hung up the phone. But the relief I felt was incredible! When it came time to tell the girls, we sat them down together in the living room. They both reacted by leaving the room and going upstairs to their bedrooms. They wanted to be alone. I did not hear crying but I think they were consoling each other and they did not want me to come in. It took months before I could get them to say anything about their reaction to the divorce. They usually said they were “fine”, which is typical of them. (I can count on one hand how many times they have each cried in their lifetime – and they are 22 now). On one rare occasion, they asked how I could do this to them. My response was honest, about how their dad and I were not a good match and how I wanted to show them that we do not have to stay in an unhealthy relationship. I wanted the girls to try counseling, but my ongoing efforts to have them do this were shot down by both David and the girls. I’ve always felt like both girls were over-protective of David because he did not have friends for support. I had a lot of support. Even when I started to date again, the girls were not so nice to my boyfriend until such time as their dad got a girlfriend – and then their attitude changed. Time heals.

Ever since the divorce in 2010, I have gotten along fine with David. We would give each other rides, have home cooked dinners together with the girls, and we have keys to each others’ house. I do this for the kids and also because he is a good person overall – we’re just not a good match. Nobody hurt anyone. We have both moved on and are dating other people. The kids see two happier parents. I really have no desire to get married again. I do not plan on having more kids. I could see living with someone if the circumstances were right, but for the moment – at this stage of my life – I am happy to remain unmarried.

My advice to others to is make sure you really LIKE the person you are with. It’s easy to LOVEsomeone just from spending a lot of quality time with them. ‘Love’ describes a feeling I develop with people whom I interact closely with over the years at work, family or social gatherings. For me, love is not necessarily “the spark”. Love seems more of a feeling of heartfelt well-wishes toward someone. In my world, I get “the spark” from effortlessly enjoying and truly liking the person I am with.