Donna of Boston says: “He often told me his goal was to to sleep in his own bed every night; I wanted nothing more than to live out of my suitcase.”

Here’s my story: I was married for 17 years, but after 10 I knew I wanted to leave. We had stopped having an intimate physical relationship. My husband also lost interest in the activity I loved most – traveling. And, he was financially paranoid. He was determined to save all of his money, but then made foolish investments, and lost it.

While we agreed that we never wanted to have children, we were so different in so many other ways. He often told me his goal was to to sleep in his own bed every night; I wanted nothing more than to live out of my suitcase. In the early years of our marriage he did come along with me and we lived in many countries. But eventually that life got to be too much for him. He tired of strange foods and being around people that didn’t speak English.

And I tired of us not wanting the same things. When I told my spouse that I was unhappy, he told me he felt like he was a failure. He always said he would never get divorced, and I do believe that he tried to make things work, to make us both happy. Realizing that is was beyond his ability crushed him. After we finally agreed we wanted the other person — that we loved so much — to be happy, he stayed in bed for three days.

How long did it take to make the decision to divorce? It took another seven years to come to the point where we were ready to divorce. And then, it took only a minute to make the final decision. That came the weekend he went away to think about the situation. I spent that time documenting all of our investments and assessing our financial situation. When he came home, I placed the paperwork on the table and asked him if he wanted to see a financial planner or get divorced. He said: “It’s time. Let’s get divorced.”

Still, we lived together as roommates for another three years. Nothing really changed in our relationship except that we slept in separate bedrooms. Why did we choose that path? The truth of the matter is that we were still in love. We were very good at taking care of and supporting each other and appreciated so much of the relationship. The constant personal support, affection, companionship was tough to let go of. The truth is that by and large, we had a wonderful friendship marriage. But in the end, it was clear that we wanted different things from life — so after 20 years together, in 2011, was finally time to let go.

What happened next? In the years since, I have met wonderful men who wanted to travel, and who enjoy many of the same things I do but haven’t yet found the man I’ll spend the rest of my life with. My x-husband met, and married, a woman who also wanted to make a comfortable home. Looking back, I wish we had separated sooner. I spent too many years without having sex! And honestly, at 58 I believe it would have been much easier to find a new relationship when I was younger.

Are you happier now? I often wonder about that. In fact, my friends have asked me if I wish we were still together or would get back together if the opportunity happened. I think about it fondly, but ultimately know we haven’t changed, and would still be unhappy and longing for more from our relationship.

I admit that there are times that I have had second thoughts. After my post-divorce relationship ended recently, I thought about whether I would have been happier if I’d stayed married to my husband. Honestly, I’m a little jealous that he has married a woman who adores him. But we stay in touch by email and phone; we see each other occasionally (he lives in Atlanta and I’m in Boston) when I drive to Georgia to see him and friends twice a year. We exchange birthday and Christmas gifts. I help take care of his father who lives in Seattle.

Do you have any regrets? No, because in the end, he is still the same man I chose to divorce. Going back would be settling for the same life I left. We remain connected through friendship, and even financially as we have joint accounts we never bothered to resolve. And, we have left bequests to each other in our wills. I don’t believe his new wife knows the extent of our friendship.

Would you divorce again? Yes. For many years I was cruel to him, trying to get him to behave differently. I wanted to have a sexual relationship. I want us to travel and have new experiences together. I nagged and manipulated him. I should have ended it sooner, out of concern for our mutual mental health. He was very acquiescent (his word describing himself) and I was much more passionate. I wanted more — and he wanted me to be happy. He did the best he was able, but neither of us was satisfied.

Would you marry again?  Yes! I’m actively hoping to get married again. Now that I understand more about myself, I am daily working to manage my expectations, accept other people and resist changing them, avoid manipulation — and perhaps most importantly, I am learning to know when to quit.