My x-husband and I met at the beach the summer after college, and was the first man I’d met in my life who fit right into the role I wanted both of us to play. I liked making the decisions and being in control — he was happy to acquiesce. After two years of courting, we married and had four kids in eight years. It wasn’t long after when I began to realize I married the wrong man.

What began as a safe relationship for me began to feel like a heavy burden. But how could I end it? I was an executive with a stressful full-time job, and I couldn’t imagine what my life would be like without a partner to help — even if I did the heavy lifting of planning, preparing, care taking, and decision making. So I stuck it out for another 9 years.

Then something hit me in my mid-40s. I was so full of angst and frustration — I simply couldn’t continue living with a man I no longer loved. He had no interest in ending our relationship, however, and that made my choice all the more complicated. How could I do this to him — to the kids — simply because I wasn’t happy? But didn’t I deserve to be happy? So, at last, I pulled the plug. He moved out, we co-parented, and honestly the drama of that decision began to dissipate. Everyone, and everything, calmed down.

Almost 10 years later, though, I cannot say that I am happier. I am not unhappy either. Rather, I feel less burdened because I no longer feel that my role was to “do it all.” I was able to let that idea go once we separated, because he began stepping up more. I refused to take on the tasks, chores, and responsibilities that weren’t mine. Our relationship improved, and that has kept the grounded. We are all older and wiser, and our divorce is the new normal.

Will I marry again? Well, I don’t ever want to divorce again so marriage is not a priority. But down the road, I’d love to find a lifelong partner who has similar values and priorities. I no longer believe opposites attract. Balance is the key. And because I consider myself an “above average giver” I have spent several years in a handful of relationships that have taught me to take and receive also. Patience. True friendship. That is where I now begin.