“I was married for 9 years before I began thinking about getting divorced,” says Swallow Bird, who stayed another 3 years, until her divorce in 2017. Although she and her husband, M, were together for 17 years, she found herself growing increasingly restless. “We lived around the world and had a happy life on paper,” she explains. “I had a nice challenging career, he had a job that was easy for him, we owned a big house with a big backyard … but I found myself traveling on my own more frequently, meeting new people without him, even partner dancing on my own because he never wanted to do it. As the years passed, I realized that I was living a rich life — without him.”

What was the reason for the conflict? Swallow Bird believes: “M was not interested in the things that I was interested in, his perfect weekend was 48 hours of watching Netflix. I was the breadwinner and he did not have any intention on getting a better job so we would have a nicer retirement together. Most of the time, I felt like he was my dependent child instead of my partner.”

Then, things got complicated: “One day around that 9th year of marriage I re-connected with boyfriend, G. He was my first love,  and realized that I was still in love with him. While we honestly were having a platonic virtual relationship, after a few months I realized that I was e-cheating. More importantly, I knew that I was more connected to G through Whatsapp than to M, who was sleeping next to me.” The situation got more challenging when G was diagnosed with cancer in the first months they had reconnected — and died a year later. He was 37.

“Cancer always put things into perspective,” shares Swallow Bird, now 42. “First, I realized that being in love is a precious thing and that I wanted to feel that again in my life. During those 9 months of supporting G through the treatments and the slow process of dying, I was able to see him twice (he was living in different country). I treasured that little time that we were together and I savor those memories as much as I can. So, this situation made me realized that I loved M but I was not in love.”

A second lesson learned was even more important for Swallow Bird: “Life is too short to not to live it to the fullest,” she knows. “So, I decided to work on falling in love again with M. It didn’t work, and of course it did not help that our sex life was almost dead (resuscitating every other month somehow). So after a year trying on my own to work on my marriage, I told M that I was leaving (this was a year after G had died). The same day, M flew all the way from North America to Europe (where I was teaching in an international program) to ask me for a second opportunity. It was such a romantic thing to do, that I agreed we had to try.”

In less than a year trying, though, the couple opened our marriage. “I helped him to create a Tinder profile, and it was just a question of time to realize that we were very good friends, but that was all,” she shares. “Still, it took so much courage to make the decision to leave. The day I made the decision I cried for a long time, but no more than when I last saw G, or when I last talked to G.

How did her spouse feel about your decision? “The first time he asked for a second opportunity and I gave it to him. The second time, as I was making the hardest decision of my life, he was falling in love with a woman he had met on Tinder. That made things so much easier.”

What kept her from leaving sooner? “He was my family and I had this feeling that I had to take care of him,” she believes. “I did not realize that I did have to take care of myself, and that caring for him was hurting my happiness. I do wish I did not take that long. I wish I had had the courage to leave him when G needed me, so I could have spent the last months of G’s life by his side. But I guess that is what shows that I loved M, and I didn’t want to hurt him.

Since getting divorced, Swallow Bird says she met this wonderful person: “ME!” She also met a man, who has become her life partner. “This person that adores me, wants to have sex with me every minute, and looks at me like I was the most beautiful woman in the world. Am I happier?  YES! YES! YES!”

How is her spouse doing? “It turns out he was not as dependent as I thought. He is actually quit capable of taking care of himself! Who would have guessed that!!! He has found another woman that he is happy with and we are very good friends. Fortunately we decided to not to have kids. Best decision ever, because I did not have to weigh their happiness into my happiness equation.

Would she divorce again? “If things don’t work out, I would divorce again. I said that I would not marry again, but life and society makes things more complicated than that. My current spouse and I have set it up in a way that it would be easy to part ways. We set up a prenup with lawyers, and we had very honest conversations from the beginning.

Taking a look forward, would Swallow Bird marry again? “Honestly, I did not want to marry again. But I have done so for practical reasons. Marriage doesn’t mean anything profound to me. It is just paperwork, and other people getting excited about it. But not me. I am not excited. I am cautious. I don’t want to ever feel like a bird in a cage that I have built myself. And that is how I felt in my first marriage: trapped in my own life by my own decisions.”

Lessons learned:

1. If sex does not work at the beginning, it will not get better, it will get worse.
2. If your spouse does not make an effort on taking on at least one of your interests, why should you be with them?
3. Companionship is a good thing, but without passion (i.e., sex) I am better off living with a close friend than married to a friend
4. Marriage is sharing a life with someone, not living alongside someone
5. SEX (and I don’t mean only intercourse but physical affection) is what differentiates MARRIAGE from FRIENDSHIP

Books that have helped Swallow Bird during her journey:

• Thomas, K. W. (2015). Conscious Uncoupling: 5 Steps to Living Happily Even After. Harmony.
• Kirshenbaum, M. (1997). Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step by Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay in Or Get Out of Your Relationship. Penguin UK.