Married for 14 years before he began thinking about getting divorced, J says he felt emotionally abandoned by his partner, and spent another nine years in the relationship that ended in 2002. “It took way too long for me to make the decision — 7 or 8 years. I did not want to accept the situation and kept hoping it would change. When I finally faced reality and started making solid plans to leave, it took a couple of years to work through it.”

Here’s J’s story: “Over time, as our careers grew, we grew apart to the point where there wasn’t much left to save. It was devastating to me. We had a lot of friends socially and everyone thought we were a great couple that would be together always. But over time I felt neglected and lonely and cried myself to sleep many, many nights. He would never have left — it was up to me to make the change.”

How did his spouse feel about the decision? “When I first approached them about the cracks that were beginning in our relationship, they promised to do better and try harder. It would be better and improve for a while, but then we went right back to the same situation. They didn’t seem to value me or our relationship and weren’t concerned about the relationship ending. Once I decided to go, they never asked me to stay or reconsider, which confirmed for me I was making the right decision.”

What kept you him leaving sooner? “We had accomplished so much, building a life together, great jobs and a beautiful house. It was everything I had ever dreamed of or wanted, and I was now watching it slowly vanish. I kept thinking it was me or something I was doing… if only this, if only that…maybe, maybe…it was self-inflicted torture. It can really damage an ego. My partner also had a big, fun family that loved me, and that was hard to leave, too.”

Does he wish you had waited longer? “No!,” insists J, now 63. “I waited too long and wasted a lot of prime years of my life. But everything happens for a reason in its own time.”

Lessons learned: “I think no matter how well you plan the exit, it’s always harder than you think it will be. The end of my marriage was a stressful, depressing time and I grieved it heavily, feeling like a major failure. Slowly I began to look forward to a new life, thinking I was emotionally and mentally prepared to face the world alone. But once I was free, it was harder than I thought to let go after 20+ years of being a couple. After a few months of therapy, I began to feel stronger and really embrace my new life.”

Would J divorce again? “Hopefully not! But if I had to do my previous divorce over again, I would be much more decisive and not wait so long. There was plenty of evidence it wouldn’t get better, but I just couldn’t give up on us. That was a mistake. Life is too short to waste years in an unhappy situation.

Now take a look forward. Do you want to marry again? If so, what lessons will you take with you into your next relationship?

His advice to others: “There are so many lessons for a good relationship. These are basic, but may be taken for granted, especially after several years.”