Married for years before she began thinking about getting divorced, Pam found herself in depths of postpartum depression in 1998 following the birth of her daughter. “We had huge complications during her birth and both of us pulled through, but it left me with severe clinical depression,” shares Pam. “I realized I’d been carrying so much emotional baggage my whole life, and just ran out of gas.”
Pam didn’t feel that husband was being supportive during such a difficult time. “After a while it became crystal clear that he was unavailable emotionally. But it took another two years before she found the courage to ask him for a divorce. “When I finally came to him with my decision, his response was rejection, anger, and a real of hatred toward me.” That was 2000. By 2002, they were divorced.
The end of that relationship gave Pam much more insight into herself. “I came to see that what was upsetting me so much was that I was living to make sure everyone else was happy,” she realized, sharing that in he decades since her life has been a journey to discover a path of enlightened self-awareness. “It evolves every day. And while it has taken years, I now know what it truly feels like to feel joy.”
Today, Pam says that she actually is unbelievably happy. “As I continue to grow into my true self, I have built a circle around me of people who give and receive. It’s no longer just me feeling like I am giving until I’m dry. Sure, there is sadness in my life, which is normal. I am simple better able to balance the feeling of being happy. And that feels wonderful.”
Unexpectedly, Pam’s x-husband came to her five years after their divorce and apologized for causing her pain. “But here’s the kicker,” she shares. “He told me: ‘My mother explained to me what you went through, and I’m sorry.’ That was crazy-sad for me because it took his mother — let me say that louder: HIS MOTHER — to explain to him the depth of sorrow and depression that I had experienced during our marriage. He was right there. How could he not have seen what was going on with me? But he chose to look the other way and pretend it wasn’t happening. All I can say is: How sad is that?”
How has he fared in the decade since the divorce? “My x eventually remarried, but my kids have struggled because they feel that his new competes with them for attention his attention. That’s the toughest part — especially for our daughter, now 22. I have helped her work through it over many years.”
Despite the struggles, Pam believes her children are healthy, happy and well-adjusted. “My x-husband and I always tried to shield them from our conflicts, and now that they are in their 20s both have reflecting to me their appreciation for that saving grace. They admit it was hard living in two houses and dealing with the step-mom drama — but they are both level-headed and they make their lives work, mostly because I think they know how much they are loved.”
Would she divorce again? If so, would she do anything differently? “Absolutely I’d divorce if the marriage sucked the life out of me,” insists Pam, now 58, who says she’d handle a divorce differently. “We used mediation, but I found myself giving up on a bunch of hard decisions because I trusted that my x-husband and I would work through a fair settlement together. That was a mistake. I ended up having to take him to court for child-support after he announced one day ‘you walked out, you figure it out.’ That statement made it clear that I had read the situation correctly when I made me decision to leave him. We weren’t in it together.”
How does Pam feel about re-marriage? “My mantra was: I’m never getting married again unless I find someone who loves, adores, and worships me. So, I thought I was safe from marriage — but, guess what? That man eventually came along. I’ve been married for 8 years now, and the biggest lesson I have learned was to commit to working through things to the maximum extent possible. Our marriage has had some big ups and downs, but everything I’m learning (we are learning) that working through our differences is ultimately part of me becoming more whole. We are both dedicated to shedding the pollution that others bestowed up on us prior to meeting. My daughter said that she says, ‘You make each other better people.'”
Pam’s advice: Please find a balance in learning to give and receive. Surround yourself with like-minded family, friends and colleagues. Too many of us are caretakers who sacrifice our essence for what we think is the sake of others. We are actually of greater value to others when we live our own life authentically from our core.
Pam’s resources: There are hundreds of self-awareness books that have helped me in the last few decades. I would read one and need to read three more! They guided me down a spiritual path of healing and hope so my advice is to just start somewhere. One book that I used to understand what my kids were experiencing at different ages that may be useful to other parents is: Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way.
